Just found out that Family Force 5 is playing Highline Ballroom on September 23rd. I REALLY want to go! I hate being broke and not being able to afford all the shows I want to go to. Not to mention I don’t know anyone else who likes them. Don’t really want to go to a show alone. =(
I feel like this year all I’ve really looked forward to were shows. They’re a lot of fun but that’s kind of sad. I haven’t had anything else to be excited about. I’ve got to start having more fun! Music has definitely played a major role for me this year (more so then usual).
That is all. I’ve decided to walk to Central Park today to meet Kat. No point in taking a subway when I can walk there. Saves me $2.50 too! Lets hope my ankle can take it.
On a side note- Travis Clark from We The Kings and Family Force 5 are in the city today. It would be awesome to see them. Doubtful, but it would still be cool.
Okay, I’m done being a 12 year old fan girl.. For now. The 12 year old fan girl has been coming out a lot this year. Am I losing maturity?! Uh oh!
By the way, I’m on a computer that is old school Windows XP. No Windows Vista anywhere to be seen. It’s weird. I forgot what this looked like. Vista is prettier but I think XP was better.
I have been listening to this song for a while now. No matter how many times I hear it, I love it. It brings me hope. I love that.
It is amazing how no matter what is happening in my life music is always a constant. The bands may change but no matter what; I need it. There will always be a song to relate with the things going on in your life. I love that. I don’t think the people in bands get nearly enough credit for what they do. So, even though they will probably never read this, this is my shout out to the underdogs who are helping people like me, one song at a time.
After this I am going to try to be more positive. I just need to get this off my chest. It is 2:30 in the morning and I am wide awake and scared as hell. I don’t really know where to begin. I just feel like I should get this out of my system somehow. I guess I thought I should/would/could be mature enough to deal with this by now but I’m not. Who knows, maybe I am just not as strong and mature as I thought I was.
My mom has her operation tomorrow. Actually, today at 9 am. It is a minor surgery on her right hand that should take no longer then half an hour with two hours for recovery in the hospital. I am going to take care of her until she can use her hand again, which sounds easy enough. I mean, yeah, it will probably be a long couple of weeks for me. I have enough on my plate as is, now I have to add everything that she does too. However, it will definitely be a longer couple of weeks for her. She is a righty and will not be able to use her right hand until it heals. Not to mention it will probably bring her a lot of pain. Yet, all I can think about is, what if something goes wrong? I am all alone. My dad is in Portugal for the next 3 weeks. My brother is God only knows where for God only knows how long. Even if they were here they wouldn’t be any help. My dad wants nothing to do with my mom and my brother and her rarely ever get along. I don’t even know if either of them know she is having this surgery. I just feel so alone and it scares me. All I want to do is go to my mom’s room and curl up next to her in bed until I fall asleep like I did when I was little and scared.
The worst thing is; I know that this isn’t really what is bothering me. I am just using this as an excuse to show that I am upset (when no one is around or awake of course). Before my dad left he told me that my parent’s court date to finalize the divorce is the 29th. Everything I have ever known is going to come to an end. I am so not ready for that. I don’t think I ever will be. I should be mature enough to be able to handle this. For God sakes I’m 22! It is about damn time I grow up! I want them to be happy, and for a long time now I have understood that they never will be happy together. It took a while but I have finally come to terms with it, but now I am going to live with one and only visit the other. Things have finally started to work between me and both my parents (separately of course)! I don’t want that to change. I am so afraid that it will.
I don’t really want to get any further into this. I should be over it by now. I have had years to deal with it. I need to grow up and deal with what is happening already. Change is inevitable. It is time I embrace it. Let’s just hope it is for the best.
As a side note, (in case you haven’t noticed by my last couple of posts) my depression is knocking and pleading for me to let it in. I have barricaded the doors but it seems there was a crack somewhere. Here is to hoping I find some duct tape to fix it before it gets worse.
PS: I feel better after writing this. Now no more depressing posts. After all, that is what I promised on the first post!
And the dark ominous cloud is always close behind.
I’ve just seen my dad since the first time I found out my grandpa has cancer (almost 2 days ago now). I knew this conversation was going to be hard. Two main reasons. For starters, it’s his father. Secondly, he doesn’t talk to most of his family. Ever since the really big fight that went out of control between him and my mom he’s decided that everyone has taken my mom’s side. He feels that they’ve betrayed him when they were just trying to mediate. This fight is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I will never forget waking up to screaming as if someone was being murdered. Nor will I ever forget seeing my dad’s car at the police station or him crying in his van at the mall parking lot. I was constantly expected to choose between my parents and put into situations that were far beyond my breaking point. It caused me to go into an even deeper depression then I had ever been in before (and that had already been really deep) and caused me to have panic attacks and the slightest amount of additional stress. I stopped eating because I was so stressed out that my stomach couldn’t handle digesting food. It was just a huge shit fest. My dad now only talks to my brother and I. On very rare occasions does he speak to his parents and to one of his brothers in Poland. So now with that background maybe you’ll be able to understand why this was going to be hard.
Anyway, I asked him if he’s talked to my aunt who was asking for his number and he said no, so I told him everything I know, which is:
He has really aggressive cancer somewhere by his colon.
The doctors want to operate
Since he has heart problems they can’t put him under anesthesia so they’re at a standstill until they can figure something out
My grandpa and grandma don’t know. They just know something isn’t right
That’s all the information I had for him. I also told him that my aunt had asked my other aunt for his information. She had told him that she doesn’t know if any of his information has changed. Before I even told him this I got a knot in my stomach. I know how he is. He twists things out of proportion and thinks everyone is just plotting against him. So, as expected, he went on a rant that if she really wanted to get in touch with him she would have by now. She would have found a way to get his information and he would have known by now. I get it but, as always, it turned into a huge fight because he makes it out as if it’s all my fault that they aren’t constantly calling or emailing him. So now I feel like shit that I got into a fight with him, I had to give him the news, and that it’s happening all together. I’m crying for the first time in months and I feel like the worst daughter ever.
I’m so afraid that this is going to bring the depression back. I can’t help but feel like this is just the start of the bad coming back to just break me again. I know I said this blog was going to be less depressing then the old ones, but I can’t help feel that this is just how my life is meant to be. Just one bad thing after another, with short bursts of happy. This summer was awesome, but it’s over now. Back to the reality of just wanting to disappear.
On top of it all I have to wake up tomorrow at 4:30 am so that I can be at work for 8 and won’t be home until around 11 pm and I can’t stop crying. I feel so pathetic, useless, and worthless right now. There is no way that I’m going to be getting any sleep, which is just going to make tomorrow so much better.
I just really needed to get that off my chest. I know I’ll regret this tomorrow. Probably even in 5 minutes. I don’t really know who to talk to about this kind of stuff though, so I figured I’d write it down. I’ve always been better at writing then I have at talking anyway.